A vignette about a boy I dated just to pass the time…try to not do that!
I feel like all we do is talk about you. Can I tell you a little bit about me? Fine, let me tell you a little bit about you. You should probably know you’re an alcoholic. But I like the way your breath tastes after your 18th beer, more than I like your regular breath so let’s not talk about it actually. The only time I liked you was that night you face planted like a moron into the floor and split your nose open. Yes – I’ve only liked you when you’ve been drunk, It’s the only time you have some kind of presence.
I wish you would shower before you came to bed, and you’d be more proactive about the staph infection growing on your chin. Hate that you drunkly chucked my uneaten Chinese food in the bin because you had a sudden urge to eat me out. Hate even more that I’m sober and watching you try to eat me out. Seriously tragic. Please find my clit soon. Even better that you have fallen asleep whilst eating me out. I’m a lucky girl. You should have just eaten the fucking Chinese, baby.
Out of curiosity, when did you last wash your balls? I melted into your shitty bed that time you told me I was beautiful because I knew you mean’t it. Why did I hate myself when you said that? I stopped telling you stories because you don’t listen to me. That’s ok, I don’t listen to myself either. I want to eat your mum out.
I’m going to ask you if you slept with that blonde girl while I was away, I thought you didn’t like blondes? More baffled you went with a blonde, than the actual fact you went with another girl. Please fuck all the girls you can, your loyalty is not my top priority and my pussy is wrecked.
Hope you get chlamydia. Hope I get chlamydia so I can say you gave me chlamydia. Concerned your friends think I fit into your ‘dark features’ girlfriend aesthetic, so what’s with the blonde chick!? I’ll take my clothes off if it means feeling some kind of intimacy with you. Fuck it, I’m definitely taking my clothes off – this silence is distressing.
Why the fuck do you always trip over your right foot? It makes you unreliable. You are unreliable, full stop. And now I’m unreliable because you don’t deserve it any other way. Please help, you make me feel so lonely. It upsets me the way you hate pasta al dente and the way you detest salt. Your obsession with chilli sauces is the only respectable thing about you.
Oops, sorry about that bitch message I sent you from New York- it came as a shock even to me, I was having a good day as far as I knew. I’m not usually like this but you’re so fucking arrogant it sucks. Work on yourself. I need to work on myself. Why do you pout like that? and stop chewing so aggressively, it kills me to watch you. I can tell you’re hiding a secret, it’s no fucking secret.
I sometimes pretend you’re that hot samurai out of Mulan when we are fucking. Sorry the pessarie thrush treatment I inserted into my vagina that day dissolved all over your dick upon penetration. That must have been confronting for you. I lied when I said I liked your favourite pizza topped with mayonnaise, it’s so fucked up.
Sorry I had what looked like a miscarriage all over your fresh sheets. Thanks for leaving a tampon in the bathroom, that was pretty decent of you. Please tell me one more time how great your cum tastes, I don’t think I heard you the first dozen times.
I hate you SO much but please text me.
This is exceptional fried chicken, thanks. I’m breaking up with you. You’re breaking up with me? I apologise for saying I love you too, what I mean’t to say was thanks for loving me. Hate that you think I came every time. I’m sorry I never wanted to be with you and did nothing about it. Wish I did something about it. I’ve done some research on your kind. You need medication, they say.
I can’t bring myself to open that Bruce Springsteen book you bought me in hospital. Or read that valentines card tucked between its pages. I fucked you three weeks out from my pancreatic surgery just because I couldn’t say no. I had a river of blood coming out of my asshole afterwards. You could have at least been gentle. I should have noticed then that you didn’t care.
I wonder if you think of me when you play that Dirty Dancing vinyl I bought you and if you play the same Talking Heads record with your new girl. I wonder if she melts into your bed every time you tell her she’s beautiful. That night my stitches tore because you’d had too much to drink was disappointing. You passed out cold when you got to bed and I sat there crying. I was in pain but I was crying for you. You must be missing something, you must realise you’re not quite there. You’re blank.
I can be funny, why don’t you ever say I’m funny? You never did have any urgency. And everyone said you were dumb, but I was jaded by the thought of how good you could be. And your job isn’t that bad, but I’m not going to tell you how to feel. I’d hate to hear myself tell you how to feel. I don’t really feel like doing this with you. And it was out of my character to fall asleep on the phone to you. Especially whilst talking dirty to you. I still can’t believe I did that. I was boring myself. I want to hear about the first time you fell in love, but I don’t like the way you talk about women. I wonder how you talk about me. Who am I kidding, you don’t talk about me. You don’t even know me. Did you maybe want to get to know me?